Ocean's Eleven was so unrealistic
Ocean’s Eleven was so unrealistic.
Because the worst way to steal money is to steal money. That alone shows you the film’s authors don’t know a thing about pulling off a heist.
Aside from that, it doesn’t take eleven guys. That’s too many people!
Moreover these were eleven high functioning, otherwise presentable gentlemen with their own unique set of talents and prospects. In the film they wore suits and high priced athletic wear, they had well trimmed fingernails and bleach whitened teeth. There’s about a zero percent chance this group would take the risk and even enter that casino under such dubious circumstances.
No, no eleven people is too many. Rather, what you need is one sharp minded leader and about two to four dullards who will go and actually do the work. You can incentivize them through a small percentage of the take, should the heist be successful, and opportunities to be considered for participation in further robberies, stickups and thefts should they become available. Please note, however, that the successful knocking off of a casino is not a guarantee of continued employment, nor should it be implied. After all, these two to four guys are at-will employees and can be terminated at any time should circumstances change. However, please note this arrangement is actually fair given the dullards can decline to continue at any time with you as well.
Basically, what I’m driving at is YOU don’t get paid until THEY get paid, which sounds truly benevolent, so let’s ignore the inverse (which is also true): THEY don’t get paid unless YOU get paid, and if you don’t get paid they’re fired.
You would think these gross misrepresentations would be enough to make us turn the movie off immediately and throw our popcorn in the trash. But if you stick around a bit longer you’ll see even more off-the-wall fantasy nonsense begin to emerge.
For example, the characters are stealing money from a bank vault inside a casino owned by a supposed multi-millionaire. If I recall correctly, the theft is rather personal, aimed at stealing specifically from the millionaire whose name escapes me at this moment.
But you don’t rob rich people. Even the mere dramatization of it is obscene and utterly laughable. There are unalterable rules of nature such as gravity, sunlight, and rich people cannot be robbed. What are we to make of a movie that says gravity no longer exists? It’s like waking up on a Monday and having no idea whether tomorrow will be Tuesday, Friday or Canned Salmon. It’s absurdly chaotic.
Now if we can extend grace to the filmmakers and try to salvage those aspects which are still somewhat usable, let’s suppose they were going to make a movie about stealing. Well first off you’re not going to dance through a laser room or repel down an elevator shaft. Because there’s nothing down in that old vault, just some dusty props.
The real money is up on the surface and it’s spread out over thousands and millions of people. The best way to steal money is not to steal it but to take it when it’s given to you. In the movie, if you look closely, the biggest robbery is happening on the casino floor where people exchange money for nothing. And the best part about it is it’s all licensed and approved by some official board somewhere. We are led to believe that Danny Ocean’s group were the thieves, when the whole time it was the man being robbed. Talk about a surprise twist at the end!
The casino owner was playing chess while the rest of us dabbled in checkers. He was thinking about robbery far beyond a few gold bricks in a duffel bag, which is child’s play and amateur stuff.
The grand heist is in service fees, subscriptions you can’t cancel, inflation and 18$ hotdogs that have been sitting under the warmer for eight hours. It’s pointless blood work, football on Christmas, a dead canary in the mineshaft and debt, debt, debt! The whole world is a vault and you can rob it anyway you please. Set some unfair arrangements, advertise often, make people care deeply about that which they don’t care. And insist on the necessity of the utterly unnecessary.
For money that is owed to you, by definition, cannot be stolen and that’s why Ocean’s Eleven was so unrealistic.