Jedi are very annoying. You take the time to raise funds for your planet-destroying-portable-laser-inside-a-floating-globe project. You procure the materials, hire staff, go back and forth with the contractors for years on end, just hoping to keep this battle station under budget and on schedule. It’s a ton of work, but it’s fulfilling work, so you keep at it. Because deep down you know that this “death star” as they’re calling it is what the world needs more of.

Then when you’re just about fully operational, these robe wearing weirdos show up, sneak inside and pull some lever that makes the whole thing useless. Just like that your plan is in tatters!

These Jedis are pests and let me tell you if you fail to plan then you plan to fail. You gotta look ahead and anticipate setbacks like this, especially in this business! So here are a few tips on how to kill a Jedi, if and when you come across them.

Let me start by addressing what’s probably at the top of your mind “Who is this guy to be telling me how to kill Jedi? He’s no Sith Lord or Ventilator Wearing Darth something or another! What does he know about killing Jedi anyhow?”

Well sure, I’ve never been to Jedi school or learned from some wrinkly old gross guy in a large chair, but let me ask you this question wise guy - Darth Vader, how many Jedis did he ever kill? Huh? What’s that? …..yeah, exactly……zero!!!

For all that sizzle, Vader was no steak. So why don’t you shut your mouth, put your preconceived notions aside and listen to what I have to tell you. Because truth be told I’ve been watching Jedis for damn near thirty five years and I think I have a PRETTY GOOD idea of what I’m talking about.

First off, let’s start with how NOT to kill a Jedi. Two words: Storm Troopers.

Can we please PLEASE give it a break with the Storm Troopers!? Please!? I mean the very definition of insanity is trying the same thing again and again hoping for a different result. When you’ve got a Jedi problem, just stop sending Storm Troopers. You’d be better off sending my idiot cousin Terry down to landing bay three and he’s useless!

I’ve never once seen a Storm Trooper hit a Jedi with one of them lasers they have. Those lasers may not even be harmful, far as I can tell. Why not just send a bunch of kids with flashlights down to fight the Jedis? Maybe they’ll spook em by shining a bright light in their eyes?

You gotta stop with the Storm Troopers, you’re just throwing staff members down the drain. Get those white helmets behind a desk and have them do clerical work or something. Or here’s an idea, since they got all that time on their hands to walk around the station mindlessly, how about they make themselves useful and go clean the hyperdrive coils?

Killing a Jedi takes time, money and perseverance, but if you can stick with it, you’ll definitely put your evil Empire on the fast track towards ruling the galaxy.

To kill a Jedi you gotta make them as busy as possible. Part of the issues we’ve been having with the Jedi is they have all this free time to sense disturbances in the Force and then go on missions to faraway worlds when necessary. If you can find a way to fill their days with mindless tasks that lead to nothing or overwhelm them with endless choices between good but unnecessary opportunities, you’ll find they won’t be as available to spoil your plot.

Not only should their schedule be busy, but their minds should be cluttered as well. Have you considered sending them regular news updates from around the galaxy and content which, while engaging to their emotions is ultimately out of their ability to do anything about? That’s a great way to distract them. It’s also a double whammy because when they’re hanging out with other Jedi they can bicker about the news of the galaxy and whose version of events is more accurate. They may even forget why the Jedi exist in the first place and bam! Problem solved!

The worst thing you can do is try to kill a Jedi yourself, instead you’ve got to get them to kill themselves. And I don’t mean suicide, which is fairly rare among Jedi, but kill themselves over a long period of time.

Sap their vitality. Make them overweight, out of breath, bored, restless, yet full of hidden rage. Stuff their bellies with fried chicken and fill their consciousness with layer upon layer of viral videos, gambling, and online jealousy. Make them run around exhausted with barely a free second to consider what it’s all for anyhow.

In time they’ll lay down their lightsabers, they’ll even convince themselves they never cared about being a Jedi in the first place.

That’ll solve your Jedi problem and you’ll be good to go.

How to Kill a Jedi