In these divided times, the one thing we can all agree on is that we need a rebellion. Just the other day a close friend from overseas, a keen observer of American politics and cultural trends, asked why we don’t just rise up?

He does have a point, I think we’ve all known for a while that it’s time to rise up. We’ve been putting it off for a while, but it’s time to finally get around to it. In fact we would have done it sooner, quite honestly, but we’ve simply been trying to hammer out some of the tricky logistical details of our inevitable rebellion.

Not to make excuses for our overdue uprising, but please be patient and understand that there’s a lot more that goes into this sort of thing that you may realize. We greatly appreciate your continued patience and support.

But with any rebellion, it makes sense to at least sketch a rough outline. An outline that answers some basic questions like “Who?” “What?” “When?” “Where?” and “Why?”

And so, I’ve laid out some initial thoughts for our revolution below. As we move through this holiday weekend dedicated to the love of independence, may this plan inspire us all to greater heights.

Who?

Of all the questions to be answered this is the most straightforward. Against whom is our rebellion directed? The answer is obvious: it’s these people on the television. These terrible, insufferable, awful people, who for too long have been given a free hand to ruin everything that is good. The very sight of them fills us with a righteous anger, a moral certainty about the goodness of our cause. There can be no doubt in our hearts when we see their faces and hear of their actions. It’s time for change!

What?

And yet all at once, this rebellion business becomes very complicated and confusing. Truthfully, getting going on a rebellion is harder to figure out than these additional tax forms the IRS sent us to fill in last fall. What is it that we’re supposed to be doing? I scoured the internet for previous examples of rebellions to see if anything is in our price range and schedule availability. Some of the results are too far fetched: Che Guevara seemingly didn’t have a job and Thomas Jefferson never did a minute of housework in his entire life. These won’t work.

Is there something more manageable? What about making a sign? Signs seem to be a thing people have been doing lately.

Signs are good, but unfortunately you have to worry about what to write on it.

On strike?

No more war?

Free so and so?

Hands off my whatchamacallit?

What is this rebellion for again? I’m already starting to lose track. What if I just wrote Rise Up! on the sign?

Yeah, that’ll possibly work!

It’s brief and convenient. Perfect.

When?

Planning the perfect time for a rebellion is also really hard because there are seasons and schedules that you don’t dare mess with. You can’t do it on a cold day because people are at home staying warm. And you can’t do it on a hot day, folks are staying in to beat this heat. It could potentially happen on a holiday weekend, given it is none of the FUN holiday weekends.

Labor day comes to mind as a good option but is immediately ruled out because that is the first week in September, when things are finally starting to pick up for the Fall. People are getting back into the swing of things and you know how September can be, so that whole month will likely not work. Neither will December (that month FLIES by!) or May (which they are now calling Maycember). Also January, February and March are out; you basically can’t get people to come out for anything during those times (which is totally understandable really) and neither are June, July or August because of travel and people’s schedules become unpredictable.

That leaves a few free weeks in the Spring and Fall, but we all know how much it rains then and if it rains during your rebellion you mine as well cancel the whole thing rather than go through the pain of trying to carry it out with so few participants.

It kinda seems like we can’t agree on a good time for the rebellion at this moment, what would you think if we tabled putting a date on the calendar for now and circle back around to this discussion when we have more time?

Where?

Rather, let’s talk about where to have our rebellion.

Well, if a protest sign falls in the middle of the woods and no one is around, does it make a sound? Obviously not. In fact, it’s as if it never existed.

That’s why finding a great locale for your date-TBD upcoming rebellion is so vital. You want a place where folks will know something is afoot and have the chance to take lots of fun photos. Pictures from the rebellion are really, really important. They gotta look kinda frightening but also somewhat fashionable. Our founding fathers knew this all too well.

Think of the Boston Tea Party, did it really change anything? Not at all, but boy what a hoot!

I mean, they were talking about it for years afterwards. Tea in the Harbour? Hysterical.

Tom Jefferson was a true performance artist, but then again he had the brainspace for that sort of thing having no nagging housework that needed to be addressed.

By Original uploader was Cornischong at lb.wikipedia - W.D. Cooper. "Boston Tea Party.", The History of North America. London: E. Newberry, 1789.Engraving. Plate opposite p. 58. Rare Book and Special Collections Division, Library of Congress (40)Transferred from lb.wikipedia (all following user names refer to lb.wikipedia):2007-02-18 21:38 Cornischong 696×393× (312674 bytes) *Sujet:Boston Tea Party *Source:W.D. Cooper. "Boston Tea Party.", The History of North America. London: E. Newberry, 1789.Engraving. Plate opposite p. 58. Rare Book and Special Collections Division, Library of Congress (40), Public Domain, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=16857908

And yet, as I’m scanning the possible options for rebellion venues, a feeling of being disheartened overwhelms me. Where should the uprising begin? Courthouse steps? Public Square? Historic Bridge? I’d love to call ahead and see if they have space to slot us in, but it’s the weekend and they’re closed. I guess I could jot a few down and call back on Monday.

I don’t know, there’s so many options. I can’t make up my mind.

Should we go to the mountains like Fidel and Che? Should we burrow in caves like Mao and Zhou? What about a swamp? What about the woods? It seems like we’d need to bring a lot of gear with us for some of these rural options. Oh boy, I don’t know if that’ll work for people. Also, these out-of-the way places don’t get a lot of foot traffic. Our rebellion might just turn into an awkward camp out.

Of course, there are backup options for staging a rebellion. Places like grocery store parking lots and local libraries. The nice thing is you don’t have to call ahead and they don’t require a deposit. But you’re also more likely to be totally misunderstood. People might not realize you’re a rebellion and just think a bunch of crazy local theatre students are doing rehearsal by the periodicals section.

Why?

The why is so obvious, it’s embarrassing you’d even ask. In fact, if by this point you don’t know ‘why’, I’d dare say you’re not ready for this coming wave of change that is about to crash upon the shores of civilization.

At least we know ‘why’ cause the rest of these details are really stressing me out. I’m not trying to rain on anyone’s parade, but the logistical details of this rebellion are so boooring and complicated.

But I guess what we’ve written here is a good start actually. So actually, I may take the rest of the weekend to try and rest, recoup and process what we’ve sketched out. I’ll try my best to reach out later next week with some more details about the rebellion.

Would that work for you?

We Need a Rebellion