Lord of the Rings was so unrealistic.

You may feel like Hobbits have an emotional maturity beyond their years and believe me, many of them do. Like if you take them to the ballgame on a Friday evening there’s a fairly high chance that they’ll be able to sit in their seats and behave themselves. They won’t be running around or trying to scratch one another. They can probably even sit still for several hours on end, given that they are fed a steady stream of snacks and explanations.

However the idea that you could take Hobbits on a cross-country journey to Mordor is completely absurd.

Guys, that’s A LOT of walking!

Hobbits have very short legs. Despite their stout hearts and oversized intentions they get worn out so easily. You won’t make it very far, perhaps only a quarter mile or so before they’ll start whining.

It’s hot.

I’m hungry.

Are we at Mordor yet?

No, in fact, we are nowhere near Mordor. We actually haven’t even left the Shire city limits.

You may think you’re clever: “I’ll just bring a stroller,” you tell yourself, “and push the little Hobbits.”

But have you seen the road to Mordor lately? The walkways are barely paved, the paths are pockmarked and in need of repair. Every bridge you cross crumbles shortly afterwards. In short, the infrastructure of Middle Earth is a joke, a BIG Joke! That’s due to the incompetency of Middle Earth’s leadership these past few years, some of the worst corruption we’ve seen in decades.

But that’s besides the point, what I’m driving at is that a stroller won’t help you. Are you going to push it up the side of a jagged goblin filled canyon? Best of luck.

Not only that, but there’s a very low probability you’ll leave on time to begin with. Hobbits are known for making people late to everything. Being thirty minutes late is basically the same as being on time in Hobbit time.

They stall and take forever getting ready. Hobbits stopped wearing shoes altogether because it used to take them an Elf’s lifetime to put them on before heading out the door. “Forget it!” people said “We’ll just go shoeless today!”

And Hobbits ALWAYS overpack. They bring stuff they’ll never need, impractical items. They completely disregard the fact that luggage now has required weight limits when traveling cross-region. Their bags are filled with heavy, awkwardly shaped items and sometimes the bags aren’t even zipped up. Think about it, junk and trinkets will be spilling all over the side of the mountain should you have to suddenly flee from a charging Ringwraith.

And in the end, who will end up carrying their heavy, useless bags? I’ll give you a hint: you will.

Going to Mordor may seem like a fun idea.

Mount Doom is a place I think a lot of us want to visit, but it’s just not a great place for Hobbits.

I’m sure they’ll be initially enthused about the idea of a cross-country trip. “We don’t mind walking,” they’ll say. “We’ll be good and won’t bicker,” they’ll say.

But let’s be honest, they don’t know the difference. Maybe just bring them to a local forest or something and save yourself the headache.

Mordor is far away and really inconvenient this time of year. Better to stay home and let somebody else futz around with that silly Ring.