I've got this nagging happiness that just won’t go away. I’ve tried all I can to get rid of it but nothing seems to help. I went back to what’s worked in the past: watched the news, stewed in my gloom, thought negatively about everyone and everything, but nothing has been effective lately.

People said “You’ve got to stop going outside for walks so much, you’re getting too much sunshine and fresh air. You need to quit doing all that stuff you enjoy and absolutely under no circumstances should you get out and socialize with friends.” So I gave it a try, I went home and drew the blinds. I laid around, refused to move, I made sure to fill my days with a lack of purpose and meaningless activities. And after all that I still relapsed into joy.

It’s been really hard lately, I find myself at times thinking about others despite trying my best to only think about myself. I have up and down days. Sometimes I’m able to maintain this self centered focus all throughout the time I’m awake. I’ll dwell on my problems, my pains, regrets, worries, and jealousies. On those days I’ll be able to maintain my selfishness, but more and more I’m slipping into empathy. Hard as it is to admit, I’ve even caught myself doing kind acts for people these past few weeks.

Perhaps I noticed it too late, maybe gladness has metastasized in me. I don’t know how to talk openly about this really. It's gotten particularly severe recently. I’ve noticed the older I get my heart grows softer towards others. It’s often harder to judge and easier to love. And I’m not just talking about people I enjoy, literally everyone is getting easier to love by the day. I’m seeing good things about the worst people and ordinary people are starting to become extremely fascinating and wondrous to me.

My need for validation has plummeted, my striving for achievement has dipped to dangerously low levels. I'm unable to enjoy my favorite hatreds like I used to. I have less and less energy to campaign for my ego. It’s insane the way I’m living, just taking each moment on its own terms instead of attacking life with gusto. I experience joy in the smallest of things and laugh more than is probably necessary throughout the day.

I’ve done all I can to stop this from happening. I’ve been disciplined in my practices of extreme thinking, all-or-nothing thinking, catastrophising, mind reading, assuming the worst, negative self-talk, and taking things personally. I try to remind myself that we are probably living in end times. That nothing will be around for much longer, so who cares anyhow? That all the world is rotten and dark, that people bring out the worst in each other and that all we do is ultimately pointless or at best doesn’t last for long.

But despite it all I have this brooding sense that the world is about to turn for the better, that the best is still out in front of us. That hope is something worth betting on.

Perhaps I’m losing my mind.

Something’s not right…

Something's not right...