Mature Only

It’s Friday night and the bar is absolutely packed at Hazel’s Place on Michigan avenue in Detroit. Hazel’s is one of the most unique strip clubs in America, as the sign out front says, this is “Detroit’s Home for the Mature.” 

I’ve never been inside, I can only imagine what’s going on in there.

A club for the mature? Sounds fascinating.

I assume there’s probably no gratuitous nudity most nights of the week. In fact, babies like boobies so you’ll barely see any at Hazel’s. Patrons come ten to fifteen minutes early being the responsible, put-together people they are and sit in the seats they’ve been filling for years. Shortly afterwards the show starts.

Unlike most cliche strip clubs, Hazel’s doesn’t do the blase run-of-the-mill entertainment that has become so predictable elsewhere. There’s no dancers or djs, instead the entertainment is just a mish-mash of never ending, small and inane tasks that require completion to keep the show going. Did you catch that? You complete the tasks to keep the show going but the show IS the tasks! This is a truly revolutionary shift in the world of Adult entertainment.

There is an endless amount of potential delights to choose from. One night you may be replacing batteries in small electronics over and over again. Another time at Hazel’s you’ll watch the slow striptease of a website that keeps giving you an error message. There’s also letters asking for more letters, appointments asking for more appointments, and loose doorknobs, spilled bean dip and low tire pressure.

Luckily there’s no need to pay for all this sexiness with stacks of twenty dollar bills. Most of these sophisticated customers have auto-pay set up and it simply withdraws from their account on the first of the month.

I can’t say why, but most strip clubs serve children’s food. Things like pizza, fries, and mozzarella sticks. They’ll serve you cheesecake on your birthday, maybe even put a roman candle on top. Elsewhere you’ll find full grown men and women wearing bibs and having messy fingers that could probably use a wet wipe or two. Not here though, these folks have to watch their cholesterol. Their body has been recently added to the long list of obligations crying out for care, so they snack on sensible, low-sodium fare. 

Unfortunately fights do break out at Hazel’s once in a while. The people decide to “take it outside” and “settle it like men”. These altercations in the parking lot usually end in a barrage of active listening. Each person takes their turn explaining what happened, how it’s affecting them, and what concrete changes they would appreciate seeing moving forward. It can get nasty as they pummel one another with ideas for an acceptable compromise. Sometimes random bystanders will even jump in to batter them with rational thinking that will reasonably accommodate both parties. 

It’s a pretty special place Hazels. There are poles in the club, installed so EMTs and in-home nurses can slide down to come check on the elderly family member you’ve been caring for. And yes, don’t worry, there is still SOME nudity at Hazel’s Place. Like the small children traipsing around, wearing their skivvies like a bandana or Great Uncle Jack who is having a minute and needs assistance with a wipe. You may even catch a sexy glimpse of your own naked body which sags like a glacier ready to melt into Arctic waters. 

If all that sounds too social, introverts can peruse the video booths in the back. They show documentaries and art films exploring complex issues of the day in a nuanced manner. Again, as has been mentioned, these videos and everything else inside Hazel’s Place are for the MATURE ONLY.