Rum and Coke

“The key to democracy is rum and coke.”*

-George Washington (1st President of the United States)

*Drew Fralick, blogger

We wish for a drink besides rum and coke. We look behind the bar to see what other bottles are back there, but alas this is all they’re serving. So it’s important to learn how to make a good rum and coke.

Let me begin by saying this, neither rum nor coke are good for you. 

Rum is the most detestable of all the white liquors. It is sweet to the taste, but an absolutely dreadful hangover. You will wake up the next day feeling like you’ve walked the plank at Treasure Island and somehow contracted scurvy or some other old-timey pirate disease. You’ll find sand in unmentionable bodily crevices, even when you’re thousands of miles from an ocean. Your lips will be salty and dry, you’ll incoherently ramble like Tom Hanks chasing his beloved Volleyball Friend down the beach. Rum will make you insufferable, to the point even a volleyball may not want to spend the afternoon with you. 

And now the coke people are reading these lines, full of delight that I also agree with them that rum is low grade poison. 

But coke is even worse. A black slimey liquid that corrodes rust off of pennies. Take any of our treasured coins and put them in a glass of coke, within days the faces of Lincoln, Washington, Jefferson, FDR, and Kennedy will be unrecognizable. 

Coke seems innocuous enough, so people drink it everyday. Coke people are judgy of rum people because rum is intoxicating and coke is somehow more benign. They serve coke at lunch and dinner, most restaurants nowadays you can’t get away from it. I went to a diner recently to have a quiet meal. I just wanted to have a tuna melt in solitude, but they’re still offering me coke. 

Coke excites the heart, elevates the pulse. But over time it kills. Coke destroys your heart first, then spreads to your mind. 

Having outlined the dangers of both, let me remind you that when you vote you’re not participating in democracy, you’re making rum and coke. Both exist to mellow the other out. 

And is it an ideal drink? 

No. 

Would we rather drink French wine or Heffeweizen with a pretzel? 

Maybe. 

Is it preferable to Vodka and Baijiu?

A lot of people would say yes. 

But if you make a good rum and coke it doesn’t have to be so bad. Maybe at the right time and in the right context, surrounded by people you love and trust, rum and coke tastes pretty good once in a while. 

But don’t forget rum is disgusting and coke is poison, they’re not things meant for daily consumption. So when you’ve had your rum and coke, for God’s sake go drink some water. I see a lot of dehydrated folks out here lately.