If you could jump into the minds of fathers in their 30s and 40s you’d see how many view their identity. And though they may not say this part out loud, it plays out in the way we set up our lives.

We are our work.

We are trained from a young age to view ourselves as “what we do” in the world and the other parts of our lives are at best luxuries, or at worst add ons.

Our daily schedules center around work, our career trajectories too. Our finances are determined by our work, we describe ourselves to others as our work. “I’m a _______”.

Maybe it is different earlier or later in life, but in middle age a man often thinks of himself as his work.

I frequently encounter this in the counseling room. A mid life crisis is often rooted in work we find meaningless. A man feels financially trapped and unable to try other things at this point. Or we become mentally shackled by our view of success. We’d rather climb the ladder where we are than having to start all over again. Maybe seeing what our peers are up to doesn’t make it any easier either.

Many of the writers I’ve been reading these past few years make a distinction between “work” and “vocation”. Work is a job, but a vocation is something you are called too (vocation comes from the latin vocare, which is the same root as for vocal). To place our identity in our work is not unusual nowadays. Whereas to understand our vocation and structure life around that is a little less common.

As an example, I have had different work since moving to Denver last year. There have been different names and logos on the paychecks, but most of it has been related to counseling. Since coming to Malawi I am still working (remotely), though the volume of work tends to dip for counselors in the summer. As a “worker” this can cause some stress, as you are tempted to think “what do I do all day?” Or maybe even “what am I doing in life!?”

What I want to share in this post is what a normal day looks like for us in Blantyre. Honestly work is not taking center stage this summer but my vocations are very active.

Coming here has been a really good time to reflect on life in general.

I have several vocations (callings)in this period of my life:

1) to support Laurie as she goes through law school and pursues international human rights law,

2) finish this doctoral program I am in,

3) be a good father to my kids.

This summer has focused a lot on #3. In a few days I’ll share an update on the legal work Laurie is doing here, but suffice to say she goes to the courts in the morning and comes back around dinner time like a regular 9-5 job.

For me, Abner and Zip, we start the day with an hour or two of homeschool. The kids are learning math, reading, African geography, and a little bit of Chichewa (the national language in Malawi). In the afternoon we go to the gym at the hotel where Abner works on his PT exercises that his doctor gave to him before we left.

Watching Abner grow and get stronger on this trip has been one of my highlights. Earlier in 2026 we weren’t even sure we’d be able to make a trip to Africa this summer. Abner had been falling a lot after we moved to Denver, his balance was off, his mobility was declining. In March Abner was fitted for a wheelchair “just in case we need it on long walks”. He hasn’t used it yet, but the sight of him trying it out in the clinic was difficult. Since the spring he started going to regular physical therapy and now is at the gym everyday. When we first arrived in Blantyre he had a lot of trouble walking the “sidewalks” (a generous term) but things have improved a ton since May. Just this week he walked about a mile and half round trip to the barber shop with no assistance. While things can always change with his condition I am so grateful for this improvement.

Abner walking one of the “good” sidewalks

It is ironic that Laurie is here for a law internship because I have been daily conducting high level mediation. This summer, with our limited supply of Legos we brought with us, I have been teaching the kids about the concept of compromise. It seems like almost daily, the three of us sit down and talk out a dispute. Each kid tells their side of the story and we work together for a solution. These are the conversations that the fast pace of our life in Denver rarely permits. Yesterday, rather than fighting over what they wanted they decided to build a Lego nature reserve together.

It is wonderful to see the relationship between Abner and Zipporah grow. They are best friends. I hope that the foundation we are laying now will translate into their lifelong friendship as adults.

They are also growing in their souls.

I’m finding it tricky to teach the kids about God. There are so many self-serving Christian theologies out there. There are also a lot that feel, quite frankly, abusive (“God killed his son so that he could be with you”)

How do you teach your kids about beauty, goodness, love, community, care for others, and not just a consumeristic gospel? I am glad they’re getting exposure to African Christianity. We have already had several conversations before bed about things like poverty, non-violence, and justice. Kids can often cut through the bullcrap around these issues in ways that challenge adults.

Remarkably, both the kids have, unprompted, started praying before bed on this trip. Earlier this week Zip prayed “God please give everyone enough money so that they can go to the grocery store to buy food.”

That’s a damn good prayer.

All of this space for fathering has opened up as I’ve slowed down this summer. These are precious times that I will look back on and appreciate. And yet, there’s still an old part of me that says “yeah, but I should probably get back to work…”

That’s an old impulse in serious need of revision, especially when I return to a faster pace this fall.

Following your father vocation need not require a lot of extra time or a summer of slower rhythms. It is a change in mindset from “I am what I do” to “what I do supports my calling as a dad”. I am grateful to have room to realize that this summer.

Fathering