JFZs (Judgement Free Zones)

Things have gotten really difficult lately for us Judgementals. I’ve spoken with fellow members of the Judgemental community who are experiencing an unprecedented wave of non-judgmentalism. It seems like everywhere we go now we’re told “Not here”, “Not allowed”, “Judgement has no place in this space”. 

It’s getting hard. In the old days you could judge wherever you wanted - on an airplane, in line at the bank, inside the delivery room - it didn’t matter. Then people came up with this concept of judgement free zones. “This is a JFZ” they’d say at the start of a meeting “There are NO stupid ideas or questions.” Anything went, it became a free-for-all. 

That’s when they started moving Judgementals to further, more remote spaces. First it was NO JUDGING IN THE CLASSROOM, then it became NO JUDGEMENT WITHIN 50 FEET OF THE BUILDING. Now there’s entire cities and states that have banned being a judgemental jerk - something many of us hold near and dear as an important core value. 

I tried to seek out traditional bastions of judgmentalism like gyms and comedy clubs and churches. Places of respite for the soul, where people will still say something mildly mean or turn a cold shoulder when you walk in the room. But alas, even these have been infected by the virus of non-judgement. 

On a gym tour they told me EVERYONE is strong on this planet, then they briefly showed me some dusty weights no one was touching and asked if I’d like to sign up for a pizza party on Friday. 

At the comedy club our host said it was a JFZ and laughter was discouraged. Comedians nowadays prefer empathetic listening and tips are also appreciated. During the show performers read aloud from their medical records. It wasn’t funny, but it was filled with important information. I never knew eczema and generalized anxiety disorder were so prevalent! 

Comedy was a disappointment but surely, I thought, the Church will still be judgy. That fire and brimstone, penances and purgatory have been going hard for two thousands years. I figured old institutional habits die hard, but even Christians have lost it! 

A sign out front said Come As You Are. People shuffled in fifteen minutes late with their flip-flops and Jorge Polanco jerseys, carrying lattes the size of a Munich beer stein. No one in the pews seemed particularly bothered. The priest read aloud from “God’s love letter” and told hilarious stories from his recent vacation to Costa Rica. There was far more laughter than at the comedy club. 

What have we become? Gyms are buffets, comedy clubs are clinic waiting rooms, and church services are open mic night at The Chuckle Hut. All because we judge not lest we be judged.

I walked the streets so dejected and crushed. There’s just no place in this world for an old dinosaur like me. A cold, rainy wind blew in from the north and knocked the hat off my head. I chased it as it rolled down the street. Could this day get any worse!?

“Take a moment for gratitude and deep breathing” a non-judge happily shouted from an adjacent window. 

“Mind your own business! This sucks!” I shouted back. They slammed the window shut. The high volume of brightly colored signs on their lawn let you know how harshly they felt about the evils of being judgemental. 

My hat blew and blew before coming to rest beneath a bland looking sign in front of an office park which read: Martin Chau D.D.S. 

Ah yes, the dentist! Still the judgiest place on earth. Providence had guided me back to a space where I could be told in no uncertain terms “You need to floss more, don’t even try to lie and say you are because we know you’re not.” The Dentist. A man who absolutely refuses to say “You’re looking good” when you both damn well know you’re not.

Maybe all is not lost.

You may not care for us, but Judgementals have a role to play in this world as well. To say things like “That’s a terrible color on you” and “About time for a haircut eh?” To remind us that everything does not in fact taste better with bacon, and senior citizens ruined Facebook, and Valentine’s Day is stupid (it originally revolved around killing dogs). 

Guys these are difficult days. If you have a judgemental friend or coworker, reach out to them this week. Check in on them and let them know you still care. If we all do our part we can ensure that being judgy continues to be a thing for many generations to come.