How to Be a Dictator
Photo by Anıl Karakaya
If you read this blog, you’re certainly a busy person. You’re hustling at work, or taking kids to school, or repairing broken farm equipment around your start up petting zoo. You probably don’t have time to explore the deeper questions in life, which is why you come to the DrewTopian Future for quick and thorough answers.
Now you’ve heard a lot about the exciting new opportunities opening up in the dictator market, and folks, the good news is demand is at an all time high for dictatorships and you can get involved too. Maybe you’ve tried Bitcoin or selling real estate, and you’re kind of asking yourself “What’s next for me? I’ve heard a lot about becoming a dictator, but I’m not really sure how to get into the industry.” Well don’t sweat, we’ve assembled a step-by-step guide that will have you up and running as an autocrat in no time. Just follow our signature “6 S’s” to ensure your authoritarian success!
#1 S-ignature Thing (You need one)
Every great despot had their Signature Thing. Fidel had his cigars, Hitler had a little mustache and a special wave (2 signature things!), and Mao had his jackets that everyone was required to wear. You’ve got to come up with something, maybe a tag line you say at the end of every conversation or a special title. What about constantly chewing on a toothpick? I don't think that one has been used yet. Either way, be Uniquely Special - not in the “carrying the image of God kinda way”, but in the “God’s gift to humanity kinda way”.
#2 S-tatue (You need one)
Statues are NOT cheap, but are absolutely essential. Consider it part of your startup costs, and don’t forget to save your receipt (in some cases statues can be written off as tax deductible). What a statue does is it helps you control the way you’re remembered and talked about. And it’s important for everyone to like you, be grateful for you, and say how great you are. After all, 4 out of 5 despots say it’s never too early to start obsessing about your prestige and future legacy!
#3 S-urround Yourself with Yes People (You need them)
All the greats had their famous lackeys. People who would cower on the ground before their benevolent leader. Find a few of these folks and make them your inner circle. If no one is readily available, consider grooming a few lackeys in house. You can achieve this by being warm and caring one minute, then cold and ruthless the next. Dangle affection, approval, power - whatever people seem to deeply need - in front of them, only to tear it away at a moment’s notice if they step out of line or simply tell you “no”. In time, they will nod their heads when you speak, love who you love, hate who you hate, and always tell you you’re right.
#4 S-eparate Yourself From the Pain of Others (You need to)
Experienced dictators know not to be around when atrocity is happening. Rather, you’ve got to be across the street drinking champagne and eating oysters, blind to the horrors happening nearby. There’s a couple of ways to separate yourself from the pain of others - one is geographically. Move a fair distance away then avoid people and places that make you uncomfortable at all costs. A second is placing a cognitive distance between yourself and others’ pain. Willingly choose not to put yourself in their shoes, and insulate yourself from ever experiencing their reality. Moreover, never make connections between their pain and your actions.
#5 S-piteful (Be as spiteful as possible)
An elephant never forgets and a dictator never forgives. After all, why would you forgive when YOU’RE the victim? This is why all the greats had copious concentration camps, gulags, prisons, and places of exile. They saw this as justice. When it comes to those who’ve aggrieved you, always assume the worst about their intentions: see their kindness as manipulation, see their caring as an attempt to control. Above all, never be gracious or patient, never give them the benefit of the doubt. Tell yourself that they’ll never change. They are innately bad and merely do evil for evil’s sake. This belief will make it far easier to destroy them eventually, whilst still maintaining your own sense of goodness.
#6 S-elfish (Be profoundly selfish)
As you’re praying your evening prayers before laying your head on the pillow - remember these lines MY Kingdom come, MY will be done. Whatever you do, whether in word or deed, it’s all about you. You’re the center of attention, you’re the one they talk about, they fear, they tiptoe around.
One last thing, when you’ve finally arrived at this place of central importance, where the whole universe revolves around you, hang on for as long as you can. NEVER ever step aside when your time is up. When those around you silently whisper, behind your back, that you’ve overstayed your position, refuse to leave. This has been the mark of a true dictator since time began.
If you’re reading this, you’re certainly a busy person. But don’t fret, there are many chances in everyday life to be a dictator, not just simply running an isolated totalitarian police state. Opportunities are always opening up for ordinary folks to get in on the action. Look in the mirror and say it with confidence, “I can be a dictator too!”
You certainly can! You can be a dictator at work - we call this an Office Maximus. You can make it all about you and what you want all the time. You can be a dictator at church - use your power and influence to control and abuse others. Even mere stay-at-home moms and dads are becoming true Home Despots with all the unquestioned authority of a town square strongman statue.
So why wait? Take the next steps and start putting your big dictator energy out into the world today!