How to Apologize

Photo by Ellis Ricketts

Doesn’t an apology often seem like nothing more than a bunch of empty words?

Maybe you’re the one saying sorry and it never seems to work, the other person remains angry and unwilling to forgive. Or maybe you’re the one being apologized to, but at the end of the other person’s apology you feel like all they’ve done is make a bunch of excuses and justifications. These so-called apologies somehow make it feel like you (the victim) are really the one to blame.

Though it might seem obvious and elementary, I’m often shocked by how many people don’t know how to properly apologize. Many are bewildered by their entrenched patterns of conflict with others, or they are blind to how ineffective it is to merely say, “I’m sorry.”

True apology and true forgiveness are like leaps of faith towards the other person. When I make a quality apology to you, I leave myself exposed and vulnerable in hopes that you won’t exploit it.

Likewise, when you forgive me, you open yourself to the possibility of releasing what I’ve done and us moving forward in reconciliation. But you probably forgive with a little bit of trepidation, hoping I don’t use forgiveness as a license to further wound you.

In my experience, to make a quality apology you need to do four things: 1) Take responsibility for what you’ve done, 2) Acknowledge the impact your words and actions have had on the other person, 3) Make a resolution to change, and 4) Ask for forgiveness.

Photo by Dids

(1)  Take Responsibility for What You’ve Done

Too many half hearted apologies are dead on arrival because the apologizer spends eighty percent of their time justifying, denying, or minimizing their actions.

Darryl and Frieda had been married for over thirty years. They had grown adult children and small grandchildren, a house that they owned, and a church where they were long standing members. From the outside everything seemed wonderful until it came out that Darryl had been cheating on his wife with multiple women and for many years.

When they came into my office for therapy, they were both tense and defensive. Sessions were slow and painful, and progress was minimal. They were like the kid who fell into a barnacle bush and is covered from head to toe. Each issue we tried to discuss was like its own barnacle, and as a couple they would fight in circles – jumping from topic to topic in a completely unproductive manner.

One of the reasons they couldn’t make any progress was Darryl made such poor apologies. Rather than acknowledging his own role in the mess, he wanted to look at what his wife’s behavior had done to add to this toxic environment. He was resentful and angry.

In conflict, both parties usually hold some part of the blame. But a good apology begins with telling how you’ve harmed the other person and not making any excuses for what you’ve done. The other person may be guilty in part, and your resentments and anger may very well be justified, but holding onto them won’t get you to reconciliation. You’ve got to own your part, no excuses and no doling out of blame.

(2)  Recognize the Impact your Words and Actions have had on the other person

Darryl and Frieda found themselves in a position familiar to many couples. Fights would go around and round, bouncing from topic to topic. One minute they’d be fighting about a purchase she made, then it would morph into an argument about his mother, shortly after that it would devolve into a nasty exchange about Darryl’s infidelity. At that point it would usually blow up with one or both them screaming and someone storming off into another room.

Rather than trying to work through one thing at a time, they were fighting an all-out war on all fronts, all the time, with Darryl’s cheating and Frieda’s chronic lack of care towards her husband as strong underlying themes.

Though it wouldn’t have fixed all of their problems, if Darryl had taken the steps to recognize the impact of his actions on Frieda, they could have inched closer toward reconciliation. He needed to really comprehend what his actions had done to her, and she needed to have space to voice her grief and pain. Though highly unpleasant, it would’ve helped them to air it out.

This second element of an apology is indeed a bitter medicine, perhaps even harder than the first. For the thing even more difficult than telling the truth, is hearing the truth.

And yet, the truth will set you free.

A conversation like the one Darryl and Frieda needed to have can break the endless cycles of fighting. When the same arguments and resentments keep getting dredged up from the past, a conversation to bring about resolution is needed. But it is painful and many people understandably avoid it like the plague.

(3)  Make a Resolution to Change

If a friend has wounded you repeatedly, you’ll be hard-pressed to hear their apology and believe it means much of anything this time around. You may think, “It’s good that you’re sorry, but I want some assurance that the issue won’t keep happening over and over.” That’s why this third element of an apology goes a long way towards healing the broken relationship.

While the first two elements are an important foundation for making amends, a good apology must include some resolution to change. If the third part is missing, the whole thing will ring hollow. Intention to do things differently next time shows a stance of humility and vulnerability. And it is an expression of one’s desire to be reconciled.

Of course, there are different levels to making a resolution for change. You may not even know how to change your pattern of wounding the other person, so you commit to exploring your options for changing. Maybe you resolve to visiting a therapist or talking with a trusted mentor. Maybe you commit to continuing the conversation with the other person and opening yourself up to their feedback and emotions.

For some situations, a concrete action is required before the other person will be able to trust that you’ve resolved to change. In Darryl and Frieda’s case, he needed to fully come clean about his actions and past. Darryl could have benefitted from joining a men’s group or meeting regularly with someone at the church to talk openly about how his life was going. Their decision to come to couple’s counseling was a positive step, but it only came about once Darryl was caught cheating. In his resolution to change, he needed to show his wife he was being proactive and not just reactive.

There is also value in making personal reparations with the other person.

Reparation derives from the Latin verb reparāre, meaning “to repair”, and whether it be on a personal or national scale, a reparation is a symbolic gesture that can greatly aid the process of reconciliation. Though it does not erase the wrong that’s been committed it can be a powerful act that represents a hope for making amends.

A simple example is the person who buys their partner flowers after a big blow up. They can’t unsay what was said in the argument, but the flowers represent a new beginning – the relationship has been through difficulty but perhaps it will bloom again. Another example is the chocolates I’ve bought for my wife (i.e. being married to me can be bitter, so here is something sweet).

In our current time the term “reparations” is socially and politically charged, as well as highly misunderstood. So, it’s important to recognize that reparations are not a manipulative payoff and should not be viewed as such. Rather, when given in a spirit of love, these gestures can increase the chances of “repairing” the break in a relationship.

(4)  Ask for Forgiveness

The fourth element of a quality apology is asking the person you’ve hurt for forgiveness. When the first three elements are strongly in place this is the final piece. Again, apology is a leap of faith. Despite your most sincere efforts the person may decline to forgive you.

“Will you forgive me?” is a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ question. And the elements going into true forgiveness are perhaps another post for another day. Just know that a true apology containing these four elements is far more likely to succeed than explaining, justifying, or denying what has taken place and then tepidly adding “I’m sorry” at the end.

Unfortunately for Darryl and Frieda reconciliation never came. There were just too many barnacles and they were unwilling to make the sacrifices necessary to stay connected. Sessions tended to go around and around, often devolving into past instances where they had hurt each other or been unkind. Some of the resentments they brought up were from thirty years ago and were seemingly unrelated to the issue at hand.

But those fights from thirty years ago kept cropping up precisely because they’d never resolved them then. When you can’t break the cycle of conflict of with a proper apology, the ghosts of the past will return to haunt you again and again.