Merry Procrastinismas!

Photo by Jimmy Chan

Don’t dive into the holidays too quickly this year – let the atmosphere mellow out a little. Give all that “good cheer” a few minutes to cool off. Blow on it a bit, see if it doesn’t turn into gray snowy mush. Let the sugar rushes turn to sugar lows, the buzzes to hangovers, the gifts into garbage. Look outside and see the remains of a melted snowman that’s been rained upon. Gaze at how his three balls have shrunk down to almost nothing, his stick arms have fallen out, his carrot nose has eaten by a squirrel. Wait until the white Christmas has passed. Wait for that period when Santa’s helpers lay exhausted in their bunks, dreaming of the lunar new year. That wondrous time when all the men on the naughty list go from house to house in large green, diesel fueled trucks, collecting the wrapping paper and empty boxes.

Then you’ll know it’s your time to shine – procrastinismas is just around the corner.  

Oh my, you’ll say. Do we really have to do this already? We’ve barely made it through this holiday season and we’re already talking about how we’ll drag our feet for the next? We just shouldered the weight of the world for five weeks – the future of western religion, capitalism, and our extended families all hung in the balance between Thanksgiving and New Years. It wasn’t always the hap happiest season of all, but we made it the best it could be.

There were extension cords all over the lawn. We plugged in baby Jesus. There was high caloric intake - the price tag attached to all that jolly socializing. And there were smooth vibes on the tenor sax playing in the background, as first century Palestinian shepherds were woken in the middle of the night by an angel.

The economy got its yearly bailout from the populace, the wise men were paid their respects and there was even a temporary cease fire around the family dinner table. Uncle Bob made it four whole days and three glasses of sherry before letting his commentary on the Democrats slip out.

Not too shabby. We made it through.

But I think we can all agree that a change is afoot. The cultural tectonic plates on which we stand are shifting in irreversible ways. Perhaps we shouldn’t try to fight what’s clearly inevitable.

Obviously, Jesus is still the reason for the season – because he loves you snow much. So, no one is saying “cancel Christmas”. Heavens no! But we’re merely proposing a slight adjustment to the scheduling. Let’s shift it back a smidge, just to be sure we’re doing it justice. If anything, this new arrangement makes it even better. But everyone will have to pitch in to make it work.

Now is a great time to start planning ahead to procrastinate for next holiday season. Make a detailed list of all the gifts you’re going to buy, then purchase them days after “last minute shopping”. Show up to the company Ugly Sweater Christmas Party several weeks late and be shocked when everyone thinks you’ve lost your mind. Plan your family trip to see grandma and grandpa for three random days in the middle of February – because it’s THAT time of the year!

You know what it is!

Early January next year, when everyone returns dutifully to work, oblivious to the world around them, we’ll hear the bells begin to chime for the coming Holiday Revolution. Let them ring out mightily! Bringing good news and glad tidings of a holiday season which is put off until the last minute, again, and again, and again. Watch as it spills over into January, February, March and April. See it extend so far out that Christmas basically ceases to exist, making room for this new and glorious tradition!

Joy to the World, glad tidings, and peaceful favor be upon the Earth. 

Merry Procrastinismas and Happy Holidelays to all! 

And to all a goodnight!